I was talking with Cody the other day about something he read on the back of an Orchid record of his about some man seeing a person commit suicide and it reminded me of something that happened to me last fall. And after telling him this story it made him and myself feel slightly uncomfortable.
What happened was last fall at some point, I don't remember exactly when it was but I was in an disagreement with a person and I was trying to study but the "fight" was distracting and I was not getting any work done and seeing as how it was late and I couldn't go to the gym to relax I had to do the next best thing and that is to just go out alone on a walk, put my headphones on and listen to some music. Just to relax and calm down! I did my normal pissed walk around campus and the "fighting" had moved from my instant messenger to text messages so I really wasn't calming down but probably fueling the fire because the mixture of Ramallah blasting into my ears and already being pissed just made things worse. So I decided to continue to walk and leave campus and head into the actual town of Edinboro. I walked myself on some back roads in the "suburbs" and came out slightly behind John's Pizza/The Hotel Bar (for those who know where that is) where there is that tiny bridge. As I approached the bridge I saw a man with this weird outdoors hat on and was looking over the bridge and by the time I got near him he was looking in the weeds/grass. I was about to cross the road right by him but there was a car coming so I had to wait. Just as the car was getting to me and this man that was across the street from me some small animal rocketed from the grass and got nailed by the car. However the hit from the car did not kill whatever this small animal because it was flopping everywhere in pain. It literally jumped 4 feet in the air and landed on the ground and became still. Me and this man had watched this happen together. As I crossed the street I looked right at this guy and he was looking right at me and he looked sad, and I know without realizing it I had a smirk on my face and I don't know why. He kept looking right at me until I passed him and I walked down the street a bit and turned around to see if he was still there. He was standing in the road over the animal just looking down at it...
I don't know if that was what he was looking for in the grass or what, I just know that when I saw the animal get hit and the way his face looked when we made eye contact and how sad he seemed, I didn't care. I felt nothing for him or the animal and it was weird. Maybe it was because just before witnessing this I had been so angry and I was still mad so I didn't give a shit about him or how he felt. I really don't know.
I don't remember what I was "fighting" about that night, I don't remember how it got started or how it was finished or even who it was with...
I just remember walking, seeing that happen and then posting a bulletin about it on Myspace when I returned to my apartment. I remember feeling weird about not feeling anything towards this man and I felt weird when I told Cody this story and I feel weird as I write this now because I still don't feel anything.
Shelter I crave...
Shatter this mirror and the creatures there, cutting me.
"It's always the ugly who write all the most beautiful songs"
But I find no sympathy inside of me.
I damn these lights I damn these eyes.
I curse the truth and from all I cannot hide.
I curse the truth and I burn in the Light, I burn in their eyes.
Another sunrise and I decry, every breath's a curse and all my hope is a lie.
I raise my hood again to hide my face and search inward for feeling, finding empty space.
I walk alone the path to tragedy, an ugly voice and ugly words are all I'll leave.
Locked doors and photos all that comfort me,Solitude my shackles, I'm protecting you, why can't you see.
Damn these eyes, Curse this life.
-The Banner - Black Hoods-
No comments:
Post a Comment